Goodbye, Writer Bewildered

I've been writing a long time. In elementary school, I began writing short stories, inspired my favorite books (I still remember one project inspired by Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series.) I began writing frequently in middle school: in 6th grade, I published poetry online; in the 7th grade, I wrote a very short novella and collected more ideas than I could ever write, now inspired by John Green's Looking for Alaska; in the 8th grade, I participated in (and won) NaNoWriMo.

During that time, I wrote for pleasure. My stories definitely reflected themes in my own life, but primarily I loved to imagine my characters and felt excited by the potential of every blank page. I filled up notebooks with snippets and concepts, drew character sketches, and spent hours researching names online. Writing was never difficult. It came naturally.

In the 8th grade, I blogged, tumbl'ing somewhat mainstream pop/rock and pretty pictures, and occasionally commenting on politics. But I'd deleted that site by high school. In my freshman year, I decided to begin again - but this time, documenting my writing progress and responding to common writing advice.

Throughout middle school, I'd read various writers' and agents' blogs (I still occasionally read Nathan Bransford's, one of the best; I also loved and continue to love Sheila O'Malley's movie/book/personal blog). I vaguely thought blogging about writing would help me. Most writers blog for promotional purposes, but I wanted to apply what I'd learned through others, personal experience, and my English classes in a practical way.

And so began Writer, Bewildered (a play on Girl, Interrupted. I love Winona Rider.) The site's title and address have changed multiple times, but I recently returned to the blog's general original layout (same background, title, and address, with a new title font, profile photo, and Calibri font for aesthetic purposes. I'm proud of the pop art-ness.)

I first blogged at this address on February 26, 2012. Since then, I've posted 35 times, and written just as many unfinished drafts or posts I've decided against publishing for the sake of quality.

Remember all those blogs I'd read in middle school? I learned a lot from them, and even more than I knew. (The more I read newbie writers' work and hear them discuss their stories, the more I realize how much my knowledge has helped me.) The problem is...

I'm a great editor.

Which is important, definitely. As they say, writing is rewriting, and editing skills are vital in order to grow as a writer. But that ability to detect my mistakes as I write them has hindered me, particularly recently. Every time I pick up a pen or open a new Word document, my fingers freeze up. I try to write, but the words are cliche. Or my depiction of my setting is inaccurate. Or my characters are flat.

It's not writer's block - it's writer's fear. I could power through it - I have in the past - but recently I haven't, because I've lacked a sense of purpose.

I'm not only good at writing. Why should I waste my time? It's not only a matter of questioning my own talent or comparing myself to others. I genuinely don't know how my writing helps anyone. Community service is important to me, and my favorite time each week is spent tutoring students at a local elementary school, because I feel like my work is meaningful. But hasn't every story been told? Isn't discussing books and writing silly? I should be a surgeon, or every a garbage collector: they accomplish more.

Recently, though, reading Lawrence Ferlinghetti's Poetry as Insurgent Art has given me a new sense of purpose, as well as a quote by Jonathan Safran Foer - something along the lines of, "If I'm choosing to sit in a room by myself writing all day, I need a pretty damn good reason for doing so. So I have to write something very important."

Whether you're a fan of Foer or not (I happen to be one), it's a good point - and the originality and power of his work makes me believe that there is a point to writing. I couldn't write romance even if I somehow became as successful as Danielle Steel; I need to write something original and true but that reflects on the present. All writers copy, and newbies in particular borrow heavily from those they admire.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez died recently; in his lifetime, he was lauded for his inventiveness, he popularized magical realism, and perfectly fits the definition of a "great writer." Not to mention his sometimes stunning wisdom. In Love in the Time of Cholera, Garcia Marquez wrote, "Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good." But maybe that doesn't have to be true, with writers like Garcia Marquez as guides.

I was recently asked what I like to write. Screenwriting? Poetry? Do I like sci-fi? I tend toward the realistic and the current, but more important I think is my mission.

Bringing me back to this blog. I've reread various posts often in the past weeks, and I have always noticed my naivete and simplistic ideas about writing. Some of that may result from a desire to keep posts simple and to the point - but I also used to view writing very differently. Including the fact that I had no specific goals about what my writing should accomplish.

Now, I realize I want to write something that uniquely conveys my ideas about the world, in its style and structure. My work might not be stunningly wise or original, but I want it to be mine. To a non-writer, that may seem like an obvious statement; but to me, it's everything.

So why the goodbye to WB? First, I think this blog represents a certain era in my writing career; one I'm now past, but don't want to forget. I also enjoy blogging, but don't want to feel constrained in what I write - so I'll continue to post opinion pieces and movie reviews on my tumblr (aka the most carefully curated teenage tumblr ever). My writing and photography can be found here, and I occasionally repost things I like here. Not to mention my twitter.

And now it's time to go.

Review: "The Pursuit of Mary Bennet"

I recently won an advanced reading copy of Pamela Mingle's book "The Pursuit of Mary Bennet" (a "Pride and Prejudice" spin-off) through a Goodreads giveaway. I decided to post my review here as well as on the site.) But first, a synopsis, courtesy of Goodreads:

For most of her life Mary Bennet has been an object of ridicule. With a notable absence of the social graces, she has been an embarrassment to her family on more than one occasion. But lately, Mary has changed. She's matured and attained a respectable, if somewhat unpolished, decorum. But her peace and contentment are shattered when her sister Lydia turns up-very pregnant and separated from Wickham. Mary and Kitty are bustled off to stay with Jane and her husband. It is there that Mary meets Henry Walsh, whose attentions confound her. Unschooled in the game of love, her heart and her future are at risk. Is she worthy of love or should she take the safer path? In her journey of self-acceptance, she discovers the answer

I received a copy of The Pursuit of Mary Bennet through a Goodreads giveaway. I was excited to read it as a big Jane Austen fan. Pride and Prejudice might be my favorite of her novels, and I’ve seen several adaptations and other works based on it. However, before this, I’d only read one spin-off (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I could never get into.) I stayed away from stories about Lizzy and Darcy as I felt they couldn’t do Austen justice. However, I hoped this book would be different. This was somewhat true.

I enjoyed this book partly because it explored Mary, a character not done justice in Pride and Prejudice or most adaptations. As I began reading, I liked Mary’s character and found her relatable, and enjoyed the portrayals of my other favorite characters. Lydia was unpleasant, but I felt believably so. I liked Mingle’s consideration of the characters’ relationships (for example, Mary’s undecidedness about Darcy’s character – Pride and Prejudice readers might love him, but Mary doesn’t know him like Lizzy does.)

Despite this, I began to like Mary’s character less around the middle of the book. Her actions begin to reveal character flaws, which make her arguably more realistic but less likable. I also became annoyed with her for not recognizing the truth about a certain character when it was plain to me as a reader.

I also became less enamored with the book because (1) I felt it didn’t quite meet my expectations in that it dealt more with childcare and less with light-hearted romance than expected, and (2) Mary’s love interest’s… well, interest… is also established early on, and he and Mary spend a bit of time together. This allowed a faster pace (and therefore faster reading), but I also missed the romantic tension and build-up of Austen’s novels.

tl;dr: The Pursuit of Mary Bennet isn’t perfect, but makes for an enjoyable look at a neglected Pride and Prejudice character.

"Levels of Life" FirstReads Review

I recently won an advanced reading copy of Julian Barnes' new book "Levels of Life" through a Goodreads giveaway. I decided to post my review here as well as on the site.) But first, the book's back cover description:

Part history, part fiction, part memoir, Levels of Life is a powerfully personal and unforgettable book, and an immediate classic on the subject of grief.Levels of Life opens in the nineteenth century with balloonists, photographers, and Sarah Bernhardt, whose adventures lead seamlessly into an entirely personal account of the author's own great loss.  

"You put together two things that have not been put together before. And the world is changed..." Julian Barnes's new book is about ballooning, photography, love and grief; about putting two things, and two people, together, and about tearing them apart.

I received an ARC of "Levels of Life" through a Goodreads giveaway. I was excited to read the book due to positive reviews I'd read of Barnes' other works, especially "The Sense of an Ending" (on my to-read list.) The book was split into 3 parts, which I'll break down my impressions of here:

I, "The Sin of Height": This part didn't meet my expectations. It included various historical details about ballooning which I found curious but ultimately pointless. 

II, "On the Level": This part was an improvement from the first, as it read more like a biography in its focus on Fred Burnaby's brief romance with Sarah Bernhardt. However, though I wanted to enjoy reading Part II, I still couldn't understand the point Barnes was attempting to make in his portrait of Burnaby. I know that he intended ballooning as a metaphor for love, but it never quite worked for me.

III, "The Loss of Depth": I immediately liked Part III, which reads like a memoir, as Barnes discusses coping with the death of his wife. Some of his observations and reflections on grief struck me in their eloquence and truthfulness. As I read, I even underlined several quotes.

Overall, I'm glad I read "Levels of Life." Though I struggled through Parts I and II, "The Loss of Depth" made up for them. I would rate the individual sections:

"The Sin of Height": 1/5
"On the Level": 2/5
"The Loss of Depth": 4.5/5

"She's Still Alive?!"

Well, it's been a while... by which I mean over two months.

Believe me, I'm not happy about the break. However, I've been busy in the past month. If you follow me on Tumblr or Twitter, you'll know I graduated from a school I attended for 5 years, said goodbye to good friends, had to put down a dog I've had for 10 y
ears, and dealt with various anxieties and family issues.

Did I mention that I also flew to Boston to attend Harvard University for the summer? It's now been a week since classes started, and I've had to make several adjustments. Due to my educational history, I'm unused to being surrounded by so many people. In the past two weeks, since beginning the program, I've met as many people as I did for four years.

My courses are also very different. My first one, on Mondays and Wednesdays, is an English class focusing on tragedies. We've been reading Sophocles' Theban plays and will cover Shakespeare, Ibsen, Beckett, and Tennessee Williams. My second class, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, is a Creative Writing course focusing on short stories. We've been reading and analyzing stories from The Scribner Anthology of Contemporary Short Fiction, and our first story is due on Tuesday.

In this post, I thought I'd discuss my experiences in the CREA class.

So far, classes have consisted of some writing and some discussion. Discussion has focused on stories vs. anecdotes (and how stories include a central conflict) and flat vs. round characters. I haven't found the discussions to be especially illuminating yet, as it's covered devices I'm already familiar with, but they'd probably make a good introduction for someone who doesn't read writers' blogs for fun.

Lamont Library

Writing exercises, meanwhile, have been more rewarding. In the first exercise, the class was given 15 minutes to write a story beginning with the words "once upon a time." The results were interesting. About half the class wrote fairy tale-like stories, others wrote about past societies (I wrote about a boy surviving the destruction of a Makah village in the 1500s), and a few students came up with various other topics. In a few cases, it was obvious that classmates deliberately tried to avoid cliche in their subjects, to varying degrees of success. The fellow high school students especially preferred the last approach, writing stories about dystopias, anthropomorphic rocks, and the old "I was given a writing prompt in class when..." premise.

In the second writing exercise, our instructor gave the class about 30-45 minutes to begin a story which we'll complete in class (with revisions following.) I definitely didn't prefer writing in class (due largely to a lack of inspiration.) However, it did force me to write when I normally wouldn't choose to, which I think is a positive experience for any writer. Unless you're very lucky, it's important to learn how to write in less-than-ideal conditions, or you'll never write regularly. Most nights during the school year, I'm exhausted from homework, extracurriculars, and life in general, but I need to learn to quit using tiredness as an excuse. I can't if I want to be a writer. Hopefully by the end of the course, I'll have built more self-discipline!

A note: it's definitely much easier to write by finding your personal ideal environment. Mine is a desk in the back corner of Harvard's Lamont Library. Desks are very private and are located next to wall outlets. I can set up my laptop, turn on some indie music (I've recently been loving this mix), and write. I used to never write with music, but found that it's actually best for me. If I'm familiar with the lyrics (so don't feel the need to listen and analyze them), the sound allows me to block out critical thoughts.

Over the next few weeks, I'll conference with my CREA instructor re: two of my short stories and have another workshopped. I'll blog again then (I promise!)

I thought I'd end this post with a little nerd humor, captured on an MIT visit today:

P.S.: I recently became much more active on my weheartit account. If you use the site, feel free to check out my profile! I heart pretty places and art, interesting characters and ideas, and anything else that strikes my fancy. 

How was your Fourth?